Happy Easter!!!
I'm an idiot
i permit you to call me
I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
Lets start the night off early. Those Coronas arent going to throw themselves up.
He was like a Bill Nye the science guy of sex....he was telling me things about my clitoris that I didn't even know
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
When I take mushrooms I can feel your presence down there. I can feel where Africa is too.
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
They think its so cute and admirable that I learned French. BITCH HAVE YOU NEVER HEARD OF GOOGLE TRANSLATE? sexting foreign bitches, there's an app for that
I woke up with Pop Rocks stuck to my ass
it wasnt that bad
you tried to climb into my fireplace while screaming TO DIAGON ALLEY! we didnt even watch harry potter. it was bad
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