If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
Think I'm gonna go cougar hunting tonight... Any advice?
condoms and good judgment
Can I buy both of those at the same store?
i love rice pilaf. whoever invented that i would give them a hug.
we were frolicking through a fountain of pizza rolls. it was like the best dream i ever had
I'm high, and her 2,100 tagged pictures annoy me even MORE. I wish it had a google searchbar so I could type in "cleavage pics" to get to the point.
This frat boy drinking a forty and wearing a pussy patrol shirt just ran out in front of my car. I should have used less brakes.
I'm promising sexual favors in return for his responsible life decisions. Now THIS is growing up.
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
We convinced the Dj to let us play musical chairs...... I won by the way.
Welcome to the south, dude. Gives the phrase "I wish you a dry ass" a new perspective.
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
yea but i missed the pot and poured the boiling water on my dick. shit hurts. aint nothin easy about that mac
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
Let's ride this possibly pregnant train together
Look. All I'm saying is that if the USWNT can win a shit ton of medals and have two gay love stories with happy endings, there's still hope in this world
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