"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
Yeh xou jao i ama wa7tdud !!
Oh my god. its not even twelve thirty and you are useless.
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
You were doing downward dog and puking off my deck at the same time.
Are you really this nice or are you just trying to get in my pants?
Both?
she's throwing things again.. almost stabbed herself in the eye with a fork.
i just called. the lady was really nice. something tells me my schools clinic gets a lot of calls about chlamydia
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
While I faked being asleep, he literally prayed to God out loud, asking for forgiveness for losing his virginity before marriage.
No Bryan wants to get drunk, rub inappropriate dudes legs, talk about my vagina and send me pics of his boomerang dick. That's not how you watch basketball.
That's how he does EVERYTHING!
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
Gez, you make a couple noises and all of the sudden your the loud girl.
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
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