you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
I just saw a kid walk into class with his dad. Fuck his life.
Guy next to me at the plasma center is high and watching porn on his itouch. I am wayy to hung over for this level of poor.
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
When you put it that way it sounds like my vagina is a parking garage to be monitored by security guards
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
Im going..... Drinking all day and hand jobs from 18yr old emo rich girls that are just trying to get back at mom and dad for being to protective...SOLD
No one understands the complete and utter debilitating 3 day bday bender.
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
handcuff keys just fell out of my bra....wtf happened last night?
Randomize
