she looks like stephen colbert with that blond wig he was wearing last night.
I put cups full of chips next to every bed, couch, and toilet so that everyone could have a snack when they woke up....
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
Have you ever chased with pilaf before? Because dont.
Is there a technical name for reverse cowgirl? I'm trying to maintain a little dignity with my mother here
I am undressing in in n out. They migit ca5l security. Are you provn d6 me?
OH MY GOD. SO PROUD.
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
You're an asshole. I don't want your dick as my background. I'll look like I have a thumb fetish.
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
Do I have to formally apologize to Brett for flashing him?
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
I was going to say that I wasn't sure how that happened... but then I remembered that I bonded with the Australians over vitamins and INXS and they bought me tequila.
I think I'm gunna glue a sign to my head that says "WAKE ME UP BEFORE 7!" And go to sleep and hope a kind passer by wakes me up for my exam .
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
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