whatcha mean you cant get rid of genital warts? thats not what my girlfriend says
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
When we ran out of red solo cups we switched to Starbucks cups for beer pong... Who doesn't want to live in Seattle?
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
The guy in the library beside me just whipped out an entire loaf of bread, a knife and a container of peanut butter and is proceeding to make multiple sandwiches.
You've got the short couch unless you find some girl to take you home
Challenge accepted.
VODKA 4LOKO BEER NOT IN THE CLEAR
I just sneezed weed. Kinda wanna try to smoke it.
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
He was telling me how he was trying to grow up. And then 2 minutes later, he told me he was tripping on lsd for the first time.
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
long story short... we may or may not have lost your car.
Have you actually looked at the corn flakes box? I don't think the rooster has a soul.
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