I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
I am a terrible person. This is almost as bad as when I was going to see my ex while my boyfriend was at that funeral.
its like accelerated beer pong for children.....we train champions young
This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
A guy at one of our big accounts just said you probably dont remember meeting me saturday night ps you were right about those two girls being lesbian
Have you SEEN his girlfriend?? Or talked to her? Christ almighty I'd drink every day just to die let alone black out
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
It's time to run my sex life like a basketball team. Got the lesson Clint!
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
I plan on blacking out and milking a cow
Probably won't be invited back there again considering last time his purebred corgi ate my pot brownie and had to be rushed to the hospital.
There was nowhere else for me to go. I'm like the island of misfit toys but I'm hot.
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
Randomize
