Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
i want to bang the Snorg tees girl.. shes always smiling ;)
I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
used foursquare to find where i am. please come get me. this is the scariest bedroom ever.
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
No. Nooooo. No way. She looked like Amanda Bynes. The recent one not the one from All That.
We literally laid down in the back of my car and had sex in a parking lot and it was in the top 3 best moral-less decisions I've made.
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
and then after the older sorority girl asked me his name she said "he gave me the rest of his mcdonalds and I decided to go home with him. it was the best that I could hope for my night"
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
Randomize