Dude wtf I'm sitting behind some girl in class who is creeping on my facebook page. I don't even know who she is..
So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
Just used your umbrella as a puke sheild. Thanks man.
we should hire that guy that makes pancakes that we met last weekend for our next party. He can feed us, and regulate!
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
Yes, yes I will fake crap in his house for you.
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
well if they don't get here soon...no fuck it, I'm going to the strip club.
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
I hate being on my period . Did you know that by the time I'm 30 I would've wasted 1,176 days of my life I could've had sex but couldn't bc I was on my period.
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
Randomize
