I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
last night this guy was hitting on me by showing me the famous people he had in his contacts on his cell... when he asked me if i knew lindsay lohan, i said "whose that? sounds asian"
Have you ever made a sandwich from swedish fish and tortilla chips?
while cleaning my room, i've found many wonderful things. one of these is the card you gave me for my eighteenth birthday. it's a christmas card that says "i want to stick it in your sponger"
It was pretty bad. Like cum-on-my-face-while-singing-Let-It-Snow bad.
I have no idea how I got home or why I am naked but I assume I owe you a thank you...
So are you still down for me to come stay with you and just have sex on vicodin all weekend?
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There's two sisters at this place and they look competitive. Try for a threesome tonight?
This was like angel cum on the bread of life filled with the nectar of the gods
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
As you passed out you started to cry and say "Mufasa" over and over again making everyone else cry.
I don't want anything calamari shaped after last night. But I appreciate the Cheerios offer.
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
Did you know that chef boy-ar-dee was a real person? I watched a show about him. the history of the ravioli is more scandalous than you would think.
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
Randomize
