just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
I should have been more specific when I asked for 8 inches.
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
People were drinking out of 26ers with straws, and somewhere someone yelled "fill me with dicks!" I'm home.
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
Totally forgot Mike has only one ball. Is it sad I'm excited to see it? Or shall I say the lack of it?
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
well he never texted me back and the pizza I took my rage out didn't deserve such malice
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
You can cuddle me. Word on the street is my ass is ridiculous.
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
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