you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
We saw a kid playing in poison ivy. We walked away, he'll learn his lesson.
What happened to chicks over dicks?
That rule does not apply to 9 inch dicks..
Then you screamed "fuck her like shes not your sister tonight" at the people walking down the road.
He added me on Facebook. I'm pretty sure he got my name from the inside of the bra I had lost in the frat house.
Houston, we have a blender
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
I made a blanket fort and am drinking Gatorade and eating donuts watching 500 days of summer. I can't keep spending my saturdays like this.
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
We need a fire pit. Meat. And a keg.I mean like a cow we just carve from. And cook it. We can use the milk from the udder to make White Russians
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
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