Tell him ill love him long time
I'll assure him of it
i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
Suite mates just came in and said that we have to go to Africa. They're already packed. Didn't know you could get that high.
Dude... Hand job in the lake... It was as weird as it sounds.
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
We had on the same team jersey so at the time it made sense to hook up.
Duh.
I just replaced the poop spray with an air horn... Now we wait!
I keep jumping up and down in front of the mirror naked. The only motivation I would be to stop and put clothes on is if you come over. Hurry.
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
he's like crack. I can't be in the same room with him while drunk and not do him.
Randomize
