Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
everything was going good until you started showing off the pictures of poop you took with your phone
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
I don't think he grasps the fact that I would much rather he finish inside me than on my $400 Anthropolgie bedspread
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
wore my lacy blue thong that says "hello there" across the front today for my gynecologist appointment. I live to make people uncomfortable
I lost track of him after he threw the handful of pennies at the 2 female cops and ran into the darkness. I heard a tazer and a scream. All that is left is his flip flop. Its like hes drunken man-derella.
Definitely sounds like it's time for some eggs with a side of strap on
If Anthony Weiner can get in trouble for sexting 2 or 3 girls I dunno how politicians will make it in 10 years.
Lol I would vote for a guy that is trying to be a senator that has a viral video of him motorboating a topless chick
Sorry, I thought I responded to your question. My name is Jon, we kinda had a sleepover at your friends place in OC. Don't know if you remember me, you were "dick chugging" like there was no tomorrow last night.
I know this is super early in advance but can I borrow your horse mask on 4/20
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
I would not recommend douching while drunk.
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
First post college job and I got fired within a week. Something tells me that adulthood isn't going to be as much fun as sex and the city led me to believe.
Randomize
