I found out 2day that my dad was a stripper in New Oleans.
Just saw a girl trying to crack an egg with her butt cheeks. I think I know what we're doing thursday night.
Just fucked my roommate on the first night of our 12 month lease. 2010 will be awkward.
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
We have literally factored in $2200 for bail money in the budget. This vegas trip will be out of hand. We are signing confidentiality contracts.
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
They play video games, go on acid trips, and in times of need, are willing to donate plasma together. COUPLE OF THE YEAR.
I NEED to see if his girl has a sister.
I want a bunch of melted cheese. or a penis. or a penis covered in melted cheese
I wish I was in the big bed with a naked you post sex eating chicken nuggets
GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~
He was super adorable, like I wanna pinch his cheeks while I fuck him...
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
Topless, eating sour gummies, doing a crossword, at 4 AM. TELL ME IM BEAUTIFUL!
Randomize
