her lazy eye was starring daggers at me.
With sake I got over my irrational fear of seafood. Now I just fear sake.
Mother fucker. I'm a 30J now. I'm fucking speechless
i'm not sure when it happened but apparently now it's topless bar night, im wearing a leotard and everyone is looking at me like i'm cheating.
I'm shutting down my vagina temporarily...it's like the last two weeks were a going out of business sale...and now it needs a break...
Why is there blood and lettuce everywhere?
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
Does it count as working out if stops are taken every half hour to smoke a blunt?
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
He wore socks while I was giving him head. I couldn't even focus on his penis because of the socks.
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
hey if my parents say thanks for the meatballs just go with it ill explain later
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