Milquetoast, coolest word ever.
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
I have no idea where we are. But it doesn't look dirty so I don't think we are in jersey yet
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
I bruise way too easily for the kind of rough sex I want...
We pinky-swore to never fuck each other again.
we where pretty evenly matched until he threw me through that wall
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
He told me he wanted a penis beard so that he could look at girls faces when they gave him blowjobs. i have to say, i kind of admire his creativity
Last I saw, they went for a smoke and only one came back. He passed out outside. I'm glad he's only 120lbs. I left him on the rug still. My mom is gonna be pissed.
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
Randomize
