she's naming her girl london marie
that kid will be born with a tramp stamp
i wanted to be an indian when i was a child. apparently you cannot grow up to be an indian.
just woke up to two already rolled blunts and a full explanation of what happened last night. I love my gf
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
She had a boyfriend but was all over this drunk guy that she just met..she said she loved him and then puked all over him.
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
Found a cheerleading trophy in my shower this morning. Explain.
He just called me juicy booty via text message.
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
Question: would Brian be pissed if I brought his 17 year old sister as my date to the wedding?
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
Somehow my drug dealer is stuck in my air-vent and now everything smells like patchouli, weed, deoderant and sweat.
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
Randomize
