I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
that was after robitussin, alcohol, and chocolate sauce... but before we finished pregaming
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
Im still in bed and cant move and i only had Two beers and a shot last night... how did I make it in college?
God gave us a 4 year grace period.
does it still count as break up sex if it's 4 months later? sorry i'm just looking for an excuse to fuck him.
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
And after we were done he said "Let's play a game! Who can find their clothes first"
So who was trying to make it rain last night in the bathroom? There are pieces of dollar bill everywhere
I am drunk please bring Taco Bell and sex
Never mind I found pizza just bring sex
I lost a whole day of my life. Apparemtly I was using my deodrant as a phone. And is my phone there?
Why are you taking pics in the bathroom with the plunger? I mean you still look hot and I'm totally going to wack off to it.
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
It's the kind of dick you travel across the country for
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
Randomize
