just found my old 10th grade stash of beer in a shoebox. guess who's getting trashed tonight
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
The sign say "Kereoke" strip bar. 5 more beers and ill be ready to rumble.
Why is hotel staff askin about the blood in our room
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
he said didn't have much sexual experience and then proceeded to tell me he is going to make me cum harder than my vibrator could
well, that escalated quicky
yesterday pre dick pic he said "no disrespect to your situation but i cant wait to get ahold of you again in the future" is this how people network??
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
Got 2 free lines of blow from some random guys on the side of 13th street.....how's your Sunday going?
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
I have rug burns on my nipples. Thanks for being an awesome wing girl.
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
Randomize
