I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
You found Muppets From Space a little too intense, so you just sorta sat on the ground and stared at the wall plug for an hour and a half.
dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
i dont think duct tape can fix my g spot
lets call myth busters
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
I'm sorry you were dumb enough to get played by a male cheerleader
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
I AM CRUING IT IS 93:2 AM AND I AM CYGIN INT BED
I AM NOT LOSING TO SOME FICTIONAL CROSSDRESSER
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
Do you remember standing up at 3 in the morning and asking me if I was counting to six?
Randomize
