I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
he's having a long distance Facebook-coordinated power hour. the status update has 159 comments ...
Dude its barely eleven am and there is already a firetruck and ambulance at the shamrock...happy st paddys day
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
we're havin a 400 loko party for joe pa's 400th win. come get loko
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
The guy I fucked in San Diego is camping with us for coachella... Awk.
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
when the song champagne showers came on you poured some kids beer over his head... while giving him a lap dance
you're right. i am beautiful. like a May day. frolicking in a meadow of wildflowers. platinum in one hand. pipe in the other. that kind of beautiful.
Whoever put salsa in the kiddie pool.....your an ass. Fuck you.
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
please tell dad to clear the porn off his tablet before he lends it to anyone from now on
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