Moan for me like Helen Keller
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
Put down the bong. Turn off Hey Arnold. Stop calling me football head.
I love you football head
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
I went over to help her build a porch, but we decided that was too much work, so we just got high and watched Scooby Doo
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
There is a special place in hell for people who only eat the center of the pot brownies.
And why in he fuck did I get 'dick' in Romanian tattooed on my forearm
just saw two eagle scouts making out in chic-fil-a
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
Tequila. The ruiner of all good intentions.
I had to ask my mom to look for my kegle ball...
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
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