My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
He called my vagina a rainforest. This is coming from a guy whose pubes are longer than his dick.
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
I just had nipple jewelry returned to me in the law library.
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
So maybe putting the blacklight above the futon wasn't the best idea...
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
I know you all think its cute to drop me off in a different state when I black out, but I can't wake up in family campgrounds asking where I am. These parents are scared.
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
You know the force is loosing strength when Darth Vader can't handle his liquor on halloween.
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
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