Jager Bombs are cool, but hydrogen bombs are where it's at. Sparks and jager equals instant black out, I mistakenly tried eating a cigarette thinking it was a nacho.
So i wrote 'don't sex me' on my stomach, so that if we got to a point where my shirt is off - he would know how i really feel, not just the alcohol talking
how did that work out?
Well, all the water washed it off, so we ended up fucking since i didn't have my reminder...
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
that beer fried lasagna last night was sooo good
that wasnt beer fried lasagna, you just poured beer on my lasagna
It just goes to show you, your dreams can come true. You can hook up with your dads hot married friend.
if things do not go as planned you should see me walking down I81 blindfolded and pantless
I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
Did you just tell me you watch cartoon porn because it's more real?
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
Dude she literally licked him. He was covered in cheese and in her high state what else was she gonna do?
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
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