I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
Shit. Come in my room. Bring a trashcan and an icepack
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
Hey, 'thunder cock' as proud as I am for you getting laid, could you put a muzzle on her? I have to be up at 5, thanks.
I need a therapist, but moreover we are going to be really drunk.
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
While you wait, fill out your state patrol application. Not trying to be your mom, I just really want to fuck a cop.
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
We BOTH lost our virginities there. It's basically a landmark.
I need someone to play with my boobs. Even platonically. I just need a good groping
I actually had to apologize for "being too aggressive about harry potter"
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
Hooked up with a straight guy while dressed as a man. I'm unstoppable.
His Instagram is like a gay porn blog all of the sudden got conquered by the Mormon missionary that he is
Ok, there are marshmallows shaped like elephants
Randomize
