i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
Dude if you're in another zip code it doesn't count
You don't understand. I'm not like you.
If i could tip my vagina, i would.
It's like a mixture of two words
"town" and "Im too drunk to spell right now"
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
there is an extreme lack of margarita in my mouth.
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
I found one of your hair extensions on the dance floor. You put it back in your hair
so he had an ashton kutcher Kelso haircurt. dude, we're in our mid to late 20s, I don't think we can ridicule guys for having hair anymore.
too bad I'd hit a car before I'd hit a bush.
Are we talking about jumping from windows or your willingness to fuck a car instead of a woman?
I need to pull it together. I just cried my eyes out to Master Chef Junior.
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
Dude I'm drinking alone and watching cartoons. How is it that someone as hot as me is doing this.
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