I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
Dude shes not that fat. Plus, last night I probably would've done it too.
he's home with a concussion now...but apparently i'm still the highlight of his freshman year
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
Look if 10 am was too early to go barrel tasting the winery would not be open.
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
plus there's no nice way to tell a guy you physically hate the shape of their cock.
bartering with my concussed boyfriend to eat food with blowjobs
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
Just watched someone fail a field sobriety test. Miserably. At 4:50p. I think it's my future husband
God bless him
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
Randomize
