it was beautiful and magic like when a hot girl grabs her own tits and smiles at you
Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
I am kinda proud of you, its like seeing my slutty baby take its first step
Fuck underwear. Let's get stoned and eat ravioli.
Eric and I just went in the hallway to practice our new handshake in a real life situation at live speeds. That high.
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
Oh, and one of the worst parts... his name was Mario. I fucked a Nintendo character.
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
I think I just got suckerpunched by a 14-year-old.
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
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