census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
I told my girl, that I use to jerk off to Star Trek. All she says is, "Oh my gawd, you're such a trekie!". If I was her, I'd be weirded out more than me being a Trek Fan.
In attempts to Not be THAT GIRL in front of my new crush I will only drink a 12 pack instead of my normal case.
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
the parade is in 5 days. put your big boy pants on and come to beer training. time to build your tolerance. i can't have you passing out in a bush with a cape on again this year.
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
N I'm drinking this invention I call "do-it-fluid" I had a bottle of vodka that was 3/4th empty, so I put in 1/4th rum, 1/4th tequila, 1/4th whisky... it's definitely the worst idea ever..
I woke up this morning to find a stuffed animal submerged in the toilet. I'm not entirely sure if it was the cat or Kara.
We're living together and you don't know if I've seen Titanic?!
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
And I threw up 26 times yesterday. I actually think I threw up a spider too.
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
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