I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
Please stop trying to convince people that you're retarded and I suck your dick in the same conversation.
Hawaiian shirts and no dignity
We are always on the same wavelength...kinda eerie.
Every single piece. I examined every single square inch of this peanut butter and jelly sandwich. and fell in love with every inch. that high.
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
She just gave me a free latte.
Correction. She just have you a frothy, creamy path to that vagina.
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
They're making him take his shirt off cause they think he's the bouncer. We're in his backyard.
Yes but from my experience being high around your own baby makes you feel like the worst kind of mom
I was high as fuck laying down in the back seat while she gave him head. Most awkward chill moment of my life.
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
Who is naked dude in the kitchen?
Stacy lit a fart and burn half of the couch down before we can put the Flames out. Bring your truck.
Randomize
