At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
just took my temp. 103. i wonder how tylenol and jager bombs are gonna mix
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
I let a guy with dreads drive my car, then demanded he take me back cause I don't let strangers drive my car, while repeatedly apologizing for being a cock block.
I'm not really into her personality. Not that we've ever looked for personality in women.
That's only a quality to look for in a second marriage.
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
Scary truckers and hobos. These are the men I attract
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
He's under the table sobbing because he doesn't live in a taco if you ever get him this high again I will stab you
But I did spend part of my morning scrubbing your cum off my grandmothers piano.
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
It feels like heartburn in my lungs. I'll buy 2 pounds.
Look. All I'm saying is that if the USWNT can win a shit ton of medals and have two gay love stories with happy endings, there's still hope in this world
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