Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
i slept with her, drove her to her sisters house to babysit, and then drove around the block where i met her sister and had sex with her in my van. I'm family Friendly!
Your TV has the DVD menu for White Chicks permanently burned into the screen. I can't anymore. That's just a whole different level that I cannot comprehend.
Even when three police cars surrounded us you kept telling us not to worry because 'only good things can happen'.
dude, I'm passing out in the fifth floor janitors closet. Let me know when the rooms opened back up
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
I don't understand how these people can do extreme gymnastics and I have problems walking up the stairs.
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
He told me to take off work and bring a bathing suit. If this doesn't involve six flags hurricane harbor or sex in a hotel pool I'm going to be disappointed.
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
SHE POOPED THE CONDOM WHOLE
so he'll eat food out of a dumpster but he won't lick your ass?
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
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