Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
im pretty sure there are laws against slapping prostitutes
i'm pretty sure there are laws against prostitutes.
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
looking at that huge scar on my leg from when i got drunk at 9 AM and walked into a grill. so excited for football season to start again!
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
I'm pretty sure the guy in front of me at Walmart doesn't have good plans. It's one am he is buying a flash light and black bandanna
She introduced me as that girl Nathan was fingering
I mean, with your nipple problem im surprised. #hangacoatonem
When in doubt, it's too much cheese
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
Talk about having your cake and eating it he has basically demolished the whole fucking bakery
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
Randomize
