What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
ofcourse shes the first one pregnant. wasnt she the one who asked the middle school health teacher how many calories are in sperm?
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
Balls are wasted. Waste are ballsted. Ballsd wasted
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
She says I'm cute and I remind her of her brother. She's too hot to back out now. I don't know. I'm guna go for it.
I'll call it a relationship when I stop masturbating after he goes to sleep
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
thanks for celebrating my birthday so severely 2 years ago. i just found your hospital discharge papers in my closet.
anything for my little brother.
Chugged a beer while being walked to the bathroom by campus police to pour the beers out.
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
I just had to close my blinds so my neighbors wouldn't see me drinking a beer at 9 am. GO CHIEFS!
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
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