Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
guess who just got paired up at the beer pong table with the fat girl who's nipples are hanging out...
I don't care if he is my ex... I have the deed to his dick until someone else fucks him. We broke up 2 years ago.... I am still holding that deed!
she would only give me a road handjob because she didnt want to unbuckle
safety first
I may also break bread with strippers. Because it is passover.
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
I just saw a stripper light her nipples on fire. Im terrified and impressed all at the same time
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
Pretty sure I got at least one girl to question her sexuality at the Christmas party last night
Party bus got out of hand. Some guy pissed himself. Later, he couldn't find his house keys, so he kicked the back door in.
Randomize
