the chick doesn't look like she's put anything in her mouth for weeks other than his dick.
Who goes to Church hungover
Those who weren't lucky enough to go still drunk
i might even pee on it at walmart i am so nervous
watchout when you come home, dougs at the top of the stairs naked eating doritos
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
CHEMICAL ENGINEER. God my mom would be so proud of me.
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
New found love of volunteering, when there's free wine available at all times. Good times. And I get to to feel good about helping people.
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
how much do I hate his dog? was just googling to see if you can rent a hungry eagle for the weekend hate.
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
I'm sorry, but if I hear stories of you getting fingered in the ass, and selling weed, you are not coming to my party.
Randomize
