Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
Maybe I should forgo underwear.
This is a family BBQ no?
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
I've officially done it all, fucked a girl wearing a twister board. ABC parties are amazing!
You slammed your forties down on the table and yelled "I AM EDWARD FORTYHANDS" then mumbled something about repping Idaho like a champ and laid down on the couch.
She said our goal is to fuck in every bathroom at the reception which is at a country club. I will have the best wedding date ever! Were 4 for 4 in public.
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
I just sent a snapchat of my boobs for Adderall. It's finals season.
I'm going to bed early so football can come sooner
Damn it. Can't order pizza. Can't do the hot tub. No one to invite over for loud, kinky sex. What's the point of being here alone?!
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.
The cop told you he couldn't let you pee. You just pulled your pants down and squared anyway and im surprised you didnt get arrested.No more drinking for you.
her and her boyfriend kept giving me coke ad kissing me talking about my awesome boobs
Randomize
