Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
Raise your hand if you bought 2 annoying girls shots of water. CLOWNS.
i feel like the prize bull at the rodeo. everybody got a ride, no one lasted more than 8 seconds and i'm pretty sure i kicked one of them in the ball sack
Rolling one last joint on my Psych textbook before trading it in. I might actually cry.
Slurping strawberries throug a straw. It feels like the kool-aid man is coming in my mouth.
nothing like a cross blunt to celebrate the birth of our savior
I went to look at my notes for my take home final and all I had written was 'you're on E. You won't remember a damn thing anyway.'
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
He came over to use the microwave, said he needed to heat up some urine.
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
Nothing worse then being at the gym on the elliptical next to a guy looking at porn on his phone
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
Tell him to put up or shut up. Can't be dangling dick in front of ho's without delivering.
It's just disrespectful
Well drunk me was looking out for sober me again, hid the beer and bought another case for me
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
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