we were both hunting dick last night. it ended terribly for both of us.
and before you know it i was laying next to him at 2 in the morning with penis and sadness on my breath.
he was on top of me and all of a sudden stopped and starting picking his nose...i asked him if he was okay, he sort of looked confused, and he told me he had a booger that hurt. guess its a good thing i wasnt planning on dating this guy
I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
I got cut off for calling the flower girl a slut. What are you doing?
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
Hey your work video crashed my computer. The 8 pornos running in the other window didn't. Congratulations.
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
Men are too sensitive. They need to learn to handle me.
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
I can't talk, I can't walk, I think I'm twitching and I'm not even sure if I'm typing this. Help
Randomize
