Last night i was gna tell u about how i was watching project runway & how i was upset bc they replaced tim gunn & heidi klum. but then i realized that i was watching mythbusters.
True life - we need to smoke together more often
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
I told him I'd rather have sex with his father last night. I'll admit now that I was drunk.
He made me a period mix..should I back out now?
I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
THIS IS NO TIME FOR SHAME JOSH. JUST GOTTA GET IT IN. PURELY FOR LEVELING UP PURPOSES
buying a tattoo gun on ebay just sounded like a good idea at the time idk man
alll i remember is comming back downstairs, his pants were off and he was aplauding me
I already tell everyone in my office my bf is at the Naval academy. It slipped one time and I can't go back on it now
She moaned the name on my fake id during sex, that or she's cheating on me with someone named Victor
She always used to joke about becoming a stripper. WHO'S FUNNY NOW?!
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
Randomize
