Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
So you know how craigslist used to have an "erotica" section? And how after you click on a link it changes a darker color? And how Dad stays up really late most nights?
Oh god... well at least he's gettin some. Mom's a prude.
just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
Would you still love me if I had no teeth
Yeah why?
Cuz i woke up this morning and a few are gone
Exactly how low is masturbating to your cute professor's lecture videos?
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
On that note; HAPPY 21: THE SEQUEL from the back of an ambulance!!
I fatbooth all their pics then decide which one is the cutest even if they gained like 400 lbs and then proceed to fuck him.
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
Chick last night said she only gets off if she rubs her childhood blanket her parents gave her during sex
How bad is it that I'm banned from all of your family functions due to sleeping w/ both your brother and sister and they both hate me for pursing a relationship with either of them.
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
Randomize
