I realized today that the only reason you made out with Travis is because he has nice teeth
dude i doubt hes gay
I CAUGHT HIM BEATING OFF TO MENS HEALTH!
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
I got punched in the face by a Cowboy last night. Then he bought me a beer cause o convinced security not to kick him out the bar. Start of a fairytale love story? I think so.
Welcome to stoned Saturday. Full of laser tag and beyonce and awesome
The guy next to me just said he wont play beer pong on principle. Im scared.
They put me in room 420 every time and I take bubble baths and smoke in the room and they bring food TO MY BED
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
Thank you for stroking my rage monster tonight.
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
Randomize
