My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
i'm considering texting him with "i'm leaving the country for a year, wanna fuck?"
do it. it's every man's dream.
and then he put stevie wonder on to fuck to...and hummed along as I blew him
I can't wait till you move in so I can stop drinking alone.
it's a Wednesday?
:)
i wish i had a super power and that that super power was shooting out mdma from my fingertips or something
I think that's mostly how we became friends.
Well that, and your desire to put your penis in me.
i just want to be sober by dinner like is that too much to ask
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
In all fairness that 65 year old man looked 23 in club lighting so you can fuck right off
Don't worry I sent a creepy stalker message to a guy I slept with 6 years ago, Sunday Funday rock bottom
Can't believe we're making vacation plans with the guy we had a threesome with
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
Randomize
