If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
I've spent the last ten minutes rubbing glue sticks on the wall
you just kept saying 'take out my tanks' and tell the cab driver to go slower, i have no idea what you were talking about but i'm glad you had fun.
My ex best friend's ex fuck buddy is visiting. There was no other option but day drinking.
5am is far to early to be on jagerbomb number 6 right now
This makes me miss penis. Not in a horny way... but in a sad, sentimental way.
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
I totally gave him head in sync to Beastie Boy's Sabotage playing in the background.
I'm not pregnant. Security came before he could.
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
my sex drive just dried up, fell out, and is rolling on the floor somewhere.
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize
