every time you feel disappointed with the red wings take a shot
if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
I'm at a Rock of Love themed party. New high? New low? I can't tell.
Wait. Scratch that. It's not themed. These girls are just sluts.
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
THIS TIME TOMORROW MY VAG IS GONNA BE BRAND SPANKING NEW.
Me and two guys that I made Eskimo bros all soberly slept together in my bed
So right before she was about to give me head she tapped the tip and said "Is this thing on" I think I'm in love.
He came to my Harry Potter marathon wearing a Hogwarts uniform. Of course I fucked him.
We peed on campus in the middle of the tailgate and then hit on a married cop that asked you to stop touching him
He just compared our sex to a grand slam on Wii fitness
You're doing it right
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
My Sexting was not on an AP level
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
God gave you your own nipples for a reason.
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