I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
how the hell did u puke all over the magazines... do u still want me to keep them
he turned down sex AND sandwiches. who the hell does that?!
I shouldn't trust a guy I just met with the pull out method. That's a big responsibility.
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
This is one of those moments when you do what I say or I come stalk you down like a gazelle.
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
You're just gonna have to make the sacrifice man.
I'm trying to hide in the table.
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
My crotch smells like fire and I can't find my pants
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
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