No. I was horrified and confused as to why you thought scrambled eggs and cottage cheese was a good mix
someone just broke into my class and invited everyone to the bar ...now we're filling out a police report. awesome.
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
Jus saw ur date getting a bj in the mcdonalds parking lot...u want anything?
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
Batchelotette party success. I woke up on the floor in nothing but a thong, a garter and a shirt that says Just Do Me.
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
He stopped in the middle of us banging in order to check in for his Southwest flight.
He has great taste in girls. I feel closer to my Eskimo sisters than my real sister...
He and I didn't so much date, as watch cartoons and go down on each other.
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
He just chose domino's over sex. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
Randomize