I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
he drunkenly confessed to whacking off before coming over so the sex'd be longer. this one's a keeper
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
So the weirdest part of it all was he whispered in my ear "can i eat you out on your tredmill?" I dont find him attractive at all anymore
I don't want end up bound and gagged in the back of a van headed for rehab. Bound and gagged OK. Just not the rehab part.
Apparently i was peeing on things and marking my territory. I broke their light socket too. Needless to say im banned from their apartment.
Bad news. Pictures just stimulated my memory and i just realized the stripper I hooked up with this weekend tasted like pizza.
Houston, we have a blender
I guess our biggest consolation is that we haven't woken up in a hottub with a dead dude. Yet.
I mean it was his birthday. How was I supposed to tell him he could not wear a sombrero while we bang.
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
please come back they are interrogating me about masturbation
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
New drinking game idea: Take a shot for every republican you see on facebook bitching about the ruling.
Randomize
