Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
Obama just said the words "we're all in this together." I wanted to start singing high school musical
Is it bad that when I see babies I feel bad for them because its going to be forever until they are 21?
Ive never seen someone more dtf than a soaking wet drunk girl who stumbles into your backyard.
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
Well I tried to call you. I was convinced my body was made of wood. But the Xmas lights in my room helped
I GOT JUDGED BY A GUY WORKING AT THE LEAST CLASSY STRIP CLUB. Peeing isn't a right, it's a privilege.
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
Just ushered a raccoon across the street so yeah.. Good night
Kid got so high from the brownies he forgot his own name. Welcome to college.
he brings me coffee and gets a blow job. not sure if I trained him or he trained me or it's simply mutually beneficial beautiful.
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
Randomize
