you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
I got an 8 ball and a free entrance pass to the strip club, if i dont get laid tonight I never will.
Just invented taco cereal.
I saw a 60 yr old mans penis last night. Just for the record.
Dude that girl I hooked up with Tuesday is in lecture. I told her I was from the Dominican visiting my cousin and was leaving the next day. Hiding under my hood and hangover.
Im playing the how drunk can i get before my card declines game. being single sucks. But getting drunk after work alone in fridays on a wenesday night sucks way more.
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
my grandpa is going down the line on this prom picture, and telling me how big everyone's nipples are... he was spot on for me.
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
Everytime Our professor said "penis fencing" in class today we took shots.
I'm going to get high and eat ice cream until the pain goes away. You're welcome to join.
Gotta wait until my full time offer is confirmed before I try to fuck the mid level manager
Stop it. You know what r&b does to my body
Oh no. Did we do a blood oath again?!
I successfully cockblocked 5 people in one night. I wasnt getting any, why should they.
Randomize
