I accidentally had phone sex last night
babies were throwing up all over the place
my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
she fell down the flight of stairs and was fine until she saw the two broken beer bottles on the ground by her.
thats a woman
her dad's the mattress king, she's genetically engineered to be good in bed
I have been running off of weed, alcohol, and Mexican food. What is Tallahassee.
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
Ive consumed more rum studying for law school finals than I did that time I fucked that fat chick in the back of VW Beetle. It's all ugly, but for different reasons.
If we ever start off with margaritas for breakfast and end up naked covered in olive oil...I could think of worse ways to spend a day.
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
I own a halfway home for drunk girls, this is my life
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
Randomize
