Where did you get a picture of my penis
You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
he said i was weird because i want to have sex in public places.
i dont think thats weird i think thats fun
i forgot to tell you, he fell asleep outside my house again last night, but im weird
Wait, we're on the hunt for addys and explosives. They're both in this house somewhere.
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
Sorry I tried to blow your roommate in your room. I felt more at home there.
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
Im in the STD packet for new students this year. And im going to be plastered tonight so be forewarned
Just drank an entire bottle of champagne for lunch. It's gonna be that kind of semester.
WHEN DO I FOLLOW THESE PEOPLE. I WOKE UP THIS MORNING &FOUND TWEETS FROM ILLUMINATI AND "hot shot 6th grader"
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
Ok so I'm not gonna ignore the fact that you had sex on a frat basement floor and spent the last 4 years wondering how you got HPV
Your sister just admitted to being a " much bigger bitch" than you. So you've got that going for you, which is nice.
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
Randomize
