I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
I have a client coming in and there's a note that says she wants her hair to like Elisabeth Hasselback's from the view
that's Oklahoma for you
He's playing farmville on his phone while puking over the toilet..
you try finding a go kart track at 4 AM on Thanksgiving
I guess I'll put a green shirt on. Also, I just snorted some protein shake power. That doesn't have anything to do with St. Patrick's Day. I just wanted you to know in case i die.
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
Lies! You took my virginity, and now my cigarettes!
well that was a fail
maybe for you, but i got a free ice cube in my bra
Randomize
