The pink midgets playing hockey is the EXACT reason cold meds and alcohol do not mix. Period.
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
she gave him a mild concussion from throwing him against the wall in an attempt to dance with him. gotta love monday nights at the sandbar.
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
I just peeled a layer of cum off my eyelid. Don't even tell me that's not why you came over
right before he busted, he moaned the british are coming.
only on the fourth of july.
He corrected me on my grammar when I came. Fuck English majors.
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
He stripped down to boxers and then started flinging jello shots with a spoon into people's mouths like a catapult.
She told me she's into girls now. I told her there would be a full bottle of jäger and an empty bed here Friday.
There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
SMOKEY THE BEAR CAME AT US WITH FUCKING AXES IN MY DREAM I THINK IT IS A SIGN TO STOP BLAZING IT IN THE WOODS
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
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