"you've got the devil in yuh. the curse of Jesus is coming on your sex soon." That's what a homeless guy just told me.
i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
So I was just looking through the calendar on my phone seeing what day new years was on & on dec 31st at 9am it says "nude champagne toast". Guess we have to do it.
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
He said I was the smartest girl he had ever dated, that should have been a sign from the beginning
I wonder if I could sublet my bathtub to anyone.
Nuts. Absolutely nuts. she just screamed in my face something about not knowing whats happening and then got tackled by a dude
while she was riding me, she looked at me and said "this is why mom told me learning how to ride a horse would be important for my future"
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
Girl please we both know I eat his bullshit up like its candy sprinkled with crack
I just fully woke up, never smoking that much weed again. I had stress dreams about your house being surrounded by a lake and we kept losing our cars in it.
you and him went to the park at 2am to "catch a pigeon" and ACTUALLY CAME BACK WITH A PIGEON
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
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