Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
Do you think the neighbors will know I was the one giving out the penis shaped lollipops to the children?
What are you doing and how can I add sex in there
Where is a good place to buy a New Year's outfit that acknowledges I don't have tits but screams I suck dick like a champ?
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
It was going alright when lo and behold Tom the cock blocking tornado hits. He is the only man I know who doesn't want anyone to fuck girls.
If you need anything just hit me up
Pancakes
Noted.
I stopped his blowjob to raise 3 fingers & whistle the hunger games tune to the people walking past the window
Ugh. I need to go to the store, but I'm too lazy. Whatever shall I do? That girls still passed out. I should steal her car
is it fun? or sober?
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
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