I heard we made out
How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
Do you reaalllllly want to put "porn editor" on your resume?
I made my rape whistle into a roach clip device. FRESHMAN YEAR!
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
Last night I was this close to hooking up with someone called "Handjob Pat" dubbed for the time he paid $150 for a handjob in Canada.
Spider-Man is making out with Wonder Woman while Captain Kirk feels up Princess Lea. Nice to see nerd barriers broken down at Comic Con.
He was like, I wanna take it slow. I took off my bra And I was like, either we have sex now or you get out.
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
YAY! I just removed my own stitches, and I'm only bleeding from one spot! on a related note, do you think a dishwasher will sterilize forceps and trauma shears?
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
It's not a walk of shame if you run
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
Randomize