May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
He was doing push ups, crunches and jogging in place in front of the restaurant. I'm not too sure I want to eat there if it requires immediate exercise following the meal.
It's sad that my net worth at the moment is 4 beers
So i'm in a museum and theres a punch bowl from 1765 with a picture of 3 men forcing the 4th to drink the punch bowl. Colonial hazing
Don't do anything you wouldn't want to explain to paramedics
But that's half the fun of it
I will pee on everything he values.
I'd rather take 10 virginities than catch something. Right now I should be good, I mean the sex with Jake was so bad he can't possibly have an std
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
I can't tell if I'm getting better at doing my online spanish hw drunk or if my teacher is just grading on creativity. Either way that senoritas gettin an applebees gift card when i graduate.
Seeing your one night stand on campus never gets less awkward. Why is Subway the only good place to eat?
I reek of latex and grilled onions.
Mission accomplished.
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
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