My new storm is the chrons
The only reason I needed a new one is bc I threw up on my other one(248): And since Verizon doesn't have a throw up test, I was eligible for a new one
I'd wear matching sweaters with you
I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
i realized that the internet ruins the joy of a father passing down playboys to his son
We tried to line dance with everyone but it turned into drunken stumbling and attempting to grind on random frat boys. I feel that this might turn into an every Thursday thing.
French people screaming and throwing stuff out the window. We told the manager and he's pissed and going up there. This is gonna be like cops. Maybe better than cops.
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
I made him dinner in just his cowboy hat and my boots after we did it...you should see his face :)
You chugged Absolut from a beer bong. Why WOULDN'T you be a champion?
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
Get to the bar now. Ryan is single again and every skank on campus that has heard story about his dick is circling like a shark. A cock hungry shark
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