I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
Seriously just heard: "we need some good ass wine. how bout this swa-vig-non blank"
hahahaha. Oh virginia: where the south begins
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
Yeah well my vagina has expectations too but they don't get met all the time.
I've got beer and a bag of saltwater taffy and croutons, is that enough for this typhoon thing?
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
why am i naked
you took off your clothes at the party and some guy took them home
Do you think accidently including this month's Credit Card statement in my application will keep me from getting into grad school?
Depends ... when did you purchase your vibrator?
She said my mask was creepy, took it off with her teeth, and proceeded to bite my neck. I love vampires.
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
Randomize