just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
How do you get a cum stain out of a trampoline?
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
It is too early in this hangover to be seeing some guys ass crack.
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
I believe you called it tequila and nipples. The proceeded to strike a pose.
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
He was tripping his balls off and kept aggressively saying SIT ON MY FACE. 5 hours and countless orgasms later I've decided I must never let this man go.
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
just threw up in a gas staton parking lot in front of a father and son. stared them in the eyes and finished like a boss
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